Blog #3 Nesting...done wrong

I had never heard of “nesting” before we did it.  Now, it seems fairly common and there’s even a Prime Time Show on NBC about it.  

 During the process of our divorce, we were remodeling our dream home.  The kids had been waiting for years for their own rooms, as we moved from 1400 square feet to 4800.  And since I was driving the divorce…I felt bad.  Guilt is a dangerous thing in decision making. It can make you choose things that aren’t the best for everyone.  In this case, I was guilted in to living at this ‘dream house’ for 4 years with my Wusband and Kids.  

 Four months ago, I finally moved into my own place.  I was talking with my 18 year-old about the whole thing and he said something that shocked me:  he said that he knew the nesting arrangement was really hard on me and that he wished we had just pulled the plug and sold the house in the beginning.  Although he completely appreciated what we did for him, he said it just gave him anxiety knowing that this “situation” was going to end at some point in the near future.  

 Huh…..  Had I known this, I might not have put my life on hold for 4 years!!!!  Looking back, I think I should have done what was best for me, and the kids would have adjusted.  In the end, keeping the house almost bankrupted us, and it added this underlying stress that we weren’t really identifying.  Nesting as a 6 month to one-year option? Totally doable.  Beyond that, pull the plug and move on….for everyone’s sake.

Blog #2. My Therapist Fired Me

I’ve now been divorced for almost 2 years.  Sometimes I’m in shock by how I got here but I don’t regret it.  

 I was reflecting back on that critical moment when I decided to do it and tell my then Husband that I was done.  I had been seeing this therapist Linda.  She was hard on me.  In the beginning, she told me we had, “A lot of work to do” which I found insulting, and she would give me weekly assignments to deal with family issues that had trickled into my marriage.  (I had a very healthy upbringing and childhood, so I was dismayed to here that a therapist thought I had a ton of issues.)  After seeing her for two years and working through all the reasons the marriage really wasn’t working, I lost my nerve about going forward.  I went in to see her for my 10AM appointment on a clear day in the Spring of 2013.  I told her that this has all been very insightful and I’m glad to have done the work, but that I didn’t see the point in going forward with a divorce, that my husband would be in my life even if I did divorce, and the financials and family dynamic made this too difficult for me.  She paused for what seemed like a good minute, and said, “I’d like you to leave.” I laughed and said, “Seriously, I just don’t think it makes sense”.  Her response was that if after all this work, I was going to take the ‘chicken shit’ way out, that she was done working with me.  I’d been fired.

 She was right:  I was afraid.  But I did move forward and the experience I’ve had is something I wouldn’t trade. That doesn’t mean it’s been good; there have been awful, awful moments but I am a far better me.  And, by the way, my ex-husband (Wusband) is far better off too J

 

Blog #1 Divorce Surprise

I’ve never done a Blog before. (I confess I had to look up a YouTube Video on how to do it!) I’m divorced…and I gather you may be as well, or maybe considering it if you’re looking at divorce blogs. A little over a year ago my friend Joanne (Jo) and I started a website full of videos on divorce. Even though we had little to no experience with video production, we were compelled by the desire to share our experience. We felt like if the two of us, both capable and strong women, could fall apart and put ourselves back together over the process of a divorce, then we had something worth capturing The journey I went through surprised me, at every turn. Some good surprises, but mostly bad. I was surprised at how fearful and timid I was given my history of decisiveness. I was surprised by what information I needed to gather to make things happen, when I’m normally so organized. And I was really surprised by how my friends and family reacted, even though they could tell I was unhappy. So today I launch this blog, in hopes of connecting and sharing what I learned….the hard way. Hopefully some of it will make your process a little easier.